Hello.  My name is Emma and I’ve decided to keep this little blog because my evil parents took me away from my family (ok, to live in the Caribbean so it’s not all bad) and they won’t let me use the Skype device to keep in touch, not after I called all those toddler chat lines.  But let’s not go into that now. 

 

I’m going to let you keep up to date with my news and my fascinating activities here.  I’m a pretty busy kid so I might not post every day (I heard it’ll keep you keen if I don’t give too much away) but I’ll do my best to get some computer time.  It won’t be easy seeing as I live with two computer nuts but until I upgrade from my Tesco Toddler computer, it’s the best I can do.  Seriously, Apple, get on the job!

 

Ok, so what did I do today?  Oh, good times.  First of all it was Daddy’s turn to get me up so I ate ice-cream and biscuits for breakfast (not really but I did try really hard to persuade him of the merits of this sugar overload and by that, I mean I shouted a LOT) then ran around in a dirty nappy for an hour.  It’s great – no pressure to be clean like when Mum’s around.  Daddy spills way more than me anyway, tbh, it’s a bit ridiculous.  Then Mum got up with a scary morning face (red and puffy, like some weird wild animal), got me dressed in 3 seconds flat (I swear, I blinked and then I was in a clean nappy and wearing a dress that is too small for me.  No matter how cute it may be, it’s too small, Mother!) and whisked me out the house to meet my friends, Maya and Olga, for coffee and croissant.

Man, I love croissants.  Kudos to the French.  Personally, I’ll forgive you for the beret if you tell me how to make the yummy croissants.

 So not seen Maya in a while as we’ve both been a bit busy.  You know how it is when you’re two – you’ve got nursery, shopping, reading, extra-curricular activities, sleeping, eating, playing – its exhausting being two.  Anyway, have missed Maya and her half Russian, half Irish ways (anyone else seeing a leprechaun drunk on vodka?) so was fab to see her.  We spoke rubbish to each other (actually its not rubbish, we understand the toddler babble very well – I’d go so far as to say it transcends language barriers) while Mummy and Olga stuffed their faces, drank coffee and whispered bad/funny things about our Daddies.

Maya is doing the whole toilet training thing just now.  She told me she has it down pat but she loves to pretend she needs the loo every 15 minutes or so just to make Olga take her to the toilet.  Hilarious, I will remember that one.  I went with Maya for moral support one time today.  It looks hard work that toilet training; no way I’m doing that just yet.  I mean, yeah, the loo can be a comfy spot to read a good book but doing your business?  Forget about it!

 

Then we caused chaos by running up and down the café and making a LOT of noise.  I love being noisy.  Mummy gets embarrassed (but I know she finds me adorably amusing deep down) and the other patrons just look annoyed to have their breakfast disturbed.  Hey, newsflash people – it’s a public place, get over it!  You want a coffee in peace, go home. 

After that we get home and met what Mummy calls ‘God botherers’ on our path.  Mummy went a funny colour and got all tense.  She was carrying me and suddenly her grip got too tight which was a bit uncomfortable.  She said something to them about resenting the way some people thought it was acceptable to push their opinions down other people’s throats and that she didn’t knock on their doors to give them her opinions.  I overheard her earlier telling Olga she was ‘hormonal’.  I don’t know what this means but I’m thinking it’s not a good thing for strangers or religion.  When we went in the house she said to Daddy “I’m not joking, put a sign up to deter those people!”  What sign?  “Don’t knock at this door: within this house dwells a mad woman?”

 After that I napped.  A girl’s gotta nap.  And guess who I saw after that?  Jacob!  Jacob is also my friend and he’s a cutie pie even though he’s a boy.  Generally speaking you find boys are monkeys and girls are cutie pies but not my friend Jacob.  He’s definitely a cutie pie.  He had his baby brother with him, Baby Joseph.  He’s a baby but he moves a lot.  I kept having to take my toys off him and to the untrained observer this may look like I wasn’t sharing but in fact, I was helping keep him safe.  I wouldn’t want him choking on anything, would I?  Purely altruistic, that’s me.  We had homemade pizza for tea.  Well, I didn’t.  I had a lot of tortilla chips which, let’s face it, are just crisps and I lurve the crispies! 

 I had a really good time running around with Jacob even though I hit my head on the table a few times.  That was kinda weird, like the table kept moving in my way.  I don’t run into it that much usually.  I got a bit tired in the end and had to go to bed.  I don’t like to leave a party early but I got a little grumpy.  I think if those God botherers had come back, they’d have gotten the sharp end of my tongue too.  Mummy said she’d read me some stories in a bit and usually when she says that, she doesn’t come back and pretends she can’t hear me shouting for her but this time she did come back.  I made her read me two books and sing several songs.  She can’t sing for toffee but she tries, bless her. 

 I’m sleeping now (yes, I am typing this in my sleep) and dreaming about cars and flamingos.  Also, I have a blue bottom.  Is that normal?  The monkey in my book has one and so do I.