What’s today?  Tuesday.  Ok, so I’ve been to school yesterday and today.  School is pretty good fun, I have a lot of friends.  I’ll tell you some of their names.  Mia.  Cameron.  Zachery.  Georgie.  Jordon.  Shyla.  Johnny.  Isabella.  Issiah.  Aitken.  Hollie.  Freddie.  Max.  Sienna.  Daddy says I have one of the most normal names in the class.

 

School is good fun, I just play all day.  I’m assuming this is what ‘big’ school is like.  Mummy and Daddy are always running late so by the time I get there in the morning, the kids are already playing out and I can’t wait to join them.  We just do loads of playing and learning stuff like an octopus lives in the ocean and five comes after four.  This fortnight we are learning about healthy foods and why it is important to clean our teeth.  It’s so important, I didn’t remind Mummy to do mine tonight when I went to bed.  Tee hee.  Don’t tell her.  I’m looking forward to going into the big class where we learn about people like Vivaldi.  I don’t know who he was but it’s gotta be interesting stuff if four year olds are learning it.  Right? 

 

One of the best things about school are the animals.  We’ve got a pony, a goat, two pigs, chickens, ducks, a cat, a dog and a tortoise called Turquoise.  When we go into the next class, I can feed the animals but frankly I am a little scared of the pigs who go nuts for their food.  PIGS!  Oink oink.  They try to get through the fence and everything.  Maybe I’ll just stick to feeding the ducks.  I like the cat especially.  He’s my cat and he’s called Gypsy.  

 

Probably the most bestest thing about school is playing out in the sand garden and getting dirty.  Like, really dirty.  I always try to see if I can get my legs to change colour and go a kind of ill grey from all the sand and dust by the end of the day.  Yesterday I surpassed myself and layered the sand on so thick I had to have a bath when I got home.  Mummy only bathes me when I’m really dirty.  Suits me, time in the bath is a waste cos I can’t watch Barney while I’m having a bath. 

 

Oh boy, I love Barney.  I really do.  He’s the business.  He is purple which is a good start – come on, who doesn’t want to be purple?  It’s my favourite colour along with orange.  Coincidentally, those are Mummy’s favourite colours.  Daddy’s is red.  Further, Barney’s a dinosaur which is pretty cool, I guess, and he has nice friends like Baby Bop and BJ.  Oh and Riff, who’s orange and likes music.  I like music too, I like to dance and sing songs nice and loud.  Mummy and Daddy help me sometimes, I love to see them singing Miss Polly had a Dolly and Mr Sun!  They are soooo uncool.  I try to watch Barney on the TV every single day.  My Auntie Jill and Auntie Ali send me new DVDs sometimes and I watch them over and over until Mummy begs for mercy and demands to know why we’re watching Barney at Christmas in MARCH!  Chill, Mummy. 

 

Tonight and last night after I got home from school my friend Maya came to play.  We sat at the table and shared snacks.  Managed to con Mummy out of both crisps and sweets tonight.  Score!  Hoped for chocolate after that but only offers of fruit were forthcoming.  I’ll make her pay for that tomorrow.  Maya had a pretty top on today and had her hair in a ponytail.  I sometimes put my hair up but most of the time I don’t because I like having my hair in my face and getting food in it because it really winds Mummy up.  Not nearly as much fun as getting my food in Mummy’s hair obviously.

 

Talking of Mummy, she’s starting going to this place called the ‘gym’ every lunchtime with some girls she works with.  I heard her tell Daddy and my friend Olga that the man who runs it is an “evil terminator” and she hates him.  I wonder what the gym is?  It sounds like fun to me.  Lots of running around and lifting stuff up.  It doesn’t sound that hard so I don’t see why Mummy can barely climb the stairs today and complained “even lifting up a cup of coffee is hard!” 

 

I was pretty tired after school today so went to bed when Maya was still here.  We called ‘bye’ to each other all the way up the stairs which was fun then when I was in bed I could still hear her downstairs (I’d told Mummy to leave my door open).  I would shout to her and she would shout back.  It was great fun!  Then Mummy came back to read me some stories.  I love stories.  Mummy said she had to go read too because she has her first book club meeting on Thursday and she hasn’t started the book yet.  I bet she was like this at school, always doing her homework late.  She’ll get kicked out of the club before it even starts at this rate! 

 

I think I’ll dream about car and flamingos tonight. 

So it’s Sunday.  What did we do?  Well it was Mummy’s turn to get up with me so I woke up early and screamed for her.  She only held out a paltry 10 minutes which is rubbish.  Daddy would have held out much longer and we all know it.  She just can’t resist the power of my screams, mwahahahahhaa!   So it’s true, power really does corrupt.

 

We didn’t go to church, cos we never do.  In fact, I’ve only ever been in a church once when my friend from back home, Eilidh, was getting christened (whatever that is) and I spent the whole time crawling around on the floor eating raisins and getting my little fingers stuck in floor grates.  It was kinda dull although proceedings livened up a bit when this guy in a robe tried to drown Eilidh.  I screamed to warn everyone but Mummy whisked me out of there.  I’m thinking that’s why we don’t go to church more –the attempted murders. 

 

Mummy doesn’t seem keen on God and stuff like that (see yesterday’s post) so I’m bearing this well in mind for future teenage rebellions.  Currently I’m thinking of either joining a cult (Christianity sounds like a good one, flexible, you know) or trying to discover my identity by dressing identically to hundreds of other kids in what is known as ‘Goth’.  The make up looks crap but I’m liking the clothes. 

 

So anyway, coffee this morning as is our religion.  It wasn’t that interesting so I had to feign excitement about two blackbird hopping around outside.  I kept shouting “BIRD!” like I’ve never seen one before but sheesh, I’ve seen thousands of the things.   I just like the way Mummy goes “tweet tweet” a lot.  Does she seriously think all birds make cartoon bird sounds?  Hilarious.  Anyway, drank a pint of orange juice for the hell of it.

 

Because I woke up so early, I needed a pretty long nap.  Daddy did too, even though he didn’t get up that early.  I think my bouncing on his head this morning woke him a little prematurely but Mummy said it was ok.  She was smiling broadly when she said it so I’m guessing she had another agenda but I don’t care, I like to bounce and Daddy’s head is pretty soft.  I like naps, I hope I never outgrow them.  So does Mummy.  She says she’ll start locking me in a cupboard if I ever drop my naptime.  I am fairly sure she’s kidding.  She’s such a prankster, that Mum of mine.

 

This afternoon was loads of fun – we went to meet my friends, Maya and Olga, again!  And double fun – it was at the fountains!  I love the fountains, they are such fun.  I just stripped my clothes off and dived right in.  I heard Mummy saying I looked like a hippo cooling off at a waterhole but she’s just jealous she couldn’t lie down and roll around in the cool water now the weather is getting hot again.  I was confused though because when I sucked up a mouthful of water then spat it out (great game!), I heard Mummy say to Olga that I was “charming” then she turned round to me and said “that’s disgusting!”  Well, which is it?!  I’m a bit flipping young to understand sarcasm although I have a feeling it’s in my genes, I just need the key. 

 

I did a bit of stunt running and jumping too.  Ok, the first time was an accident but I could totally tell by the way Mummy and Olga gasped and held their collective breath that it was in awe of my skid across the water and not anticipation of my screams of pain.  Maya didn’t look impressed but she had her mind on more toilet training high jinks.  She made her Mummy take her to the loo three times in half an hour.  I can’t wait to try that trick.  We also managed to make three stupid med student vacate the café.  Get to the library if you want peace, you coffee freeloaders.

 

Mummy had to go back to work tonight.  I’m not sure what she does but I hope it involves her getting paid lots of money cos I need new leggings.  Ok, ‘need’ might not be the right word but a girl always needs more leggings.  Right?  It’s great when Daddy is in charge, he’s easy to psyche.  I conned loads of bedtime stories out of him and he slunk away a broken man in the end.  Oh yes, I rock.  

Hello.  My name is Emma and I’ve decided to keep this little blog because my evil parents took me away from my family (ok, to live in the Caribbean so it’s not all bad) and they won’t let me use the Skype device to keep in touch, not after I called all those toddler chat lines.  But let’s not go into that now. 

 

I’m going to let you keep up to date with my news and my fascinating activities here.  I’m a pretty busy kid so I might not post every day (I heard it’ll keep you keen if I don’t give too much away) but I’ll do my best to get some computer time.  It won’t be easy seeing as I live with two computer nuts but until I upgrade from my Tesco Toddler computer, it’s the best I can do.  Seriously, Apple, get on the job!

 

Ok, so what did I do today?  Oh, good times.  First of all it was Daddy’s turn to get me up so I ate ice-cream and biscuits for breakfast (not really but I did try really hard to persuade him of the merits of this sugar overload and by that, I mean I shouted a LOT) then ran around in a dirty nappy for an hour.  It’s great – no pressure to be clean like when Mum’s around.  Daddy spills way more than me anyway, tbh, it’s a bit ridiculous.  Then Mum got up with a scary morning face (red and puffy, like some weird wild animal), got me dressed in 3 seconds flat (I swear, I blinked and then I was in a clean nappy and wearing a dress that is too small for me.  No matter how cute it may be, it’s too small, Mother!) and whisked me out the house to meet my friends, Maya and Olga, for coffee and croissant.

Man, I love croissants.  Kudos to the French.  Personally, I’ll forgive you for the beret if you tell me how to make the yummy croissants.

 So not seen Maya in a while as we’ve both been a bit busy.  You know how it is when you’re two – you’ve got nursery, shopping, reading, extra-curricular activities, sleeping, eating, playing – its exhausting being two.  Anyway, have missed Maya and her half Russian, half Irish ways (anyone else seeing a leprechaun drunk on vodka?) so was fab to see her.  We spoke rubbish to each other (actually its not rubbish, we understand the toddler babble very well – I’d go so far as to say it transcends language barriers) while Mummy and Olga stuffed their faces, drank coffee and whispered bad/funny things about our Daddies.

Maya is doing the whole toilet training thing just now.  She told me she has it down pat but she loves to pretend she needs the loo every 15 minutes or so just to make Olga take her to the toilet.  Hilarious, I will remember that one.  I went with Maya for moral support one time today.  It looks hard work that toilet training; no way I’m doing that just yet.  I mean, yeah, the loo can be a comfy spot to read a good book but doing your business?  Forget about it!

 

Then we caused chaos by running up and down the café and making a LOT of noise.  I love being noisy.  Mummy gets embarrassed (but I know she finds me adorably amusing deep down) and the other patrons just look annoyed to have their breakfast disturbed.  Hey, newsflash people – it’s a public place, get over it!  You want a coffee in peace, go home. 

After that we get home and met what Mummy calls ‘God botherers’ on our path.  Mummy went a funny colour and got all tense.  She was carrying me and suddenly her grip got too tight which was a bit uncomfortable.  She said something to them about resenting the way some people thought it was acceptable to push their opinions down other people’s throats and that she didn’t knock on their doors to give them her opinions.  I overheard her earlier telling Olga she was ‘hormonal’.  I don’t know what this means but I’m thinking it’s not a good thing for strangers or religion.  When we went in the house she said to Daddy “I’m not joking, put a sign up to deter those people!”  What sign?  “Don’t knock at this door: within this house dwells a mad woman?”

 After that I napped.  A girl’s gotta nap.  And guess who I saw after that?  Jacob!  Jacob is also my friend and he’s a cutie pie even though he’s a boy.  Generally speaking you find boys are monkeys and girls are cutie pies but not my friend Jacob.  He’s definitely a cutie pie.  He had his baby brother with him, Baby Joseph.  He’s a baby but he moves a lot.  I kept having to take my toys off him and to the untrained observer this may look like I wasn’t sharing but in fact, I was helping keep him safe.  I wouldn’t want him choking on anything, would I?  Purely altruistic, that’s me.  We had homemade pizza for tea.  Well, I didn’t.  I had a lot of tortilla chips which, let’s face it, are just crisps and I lurve the crispies! 

 I had a really good time running around with Jacob even though I hit my head on the table a few times.  That was kinda weird, like the table kept moving in my way.  I don’t run into it that much usually.  I got a bit tired in the end and had to go to bed.  I don’t like to leave a party early but I got a little grumpy.  I think if those God botherers had come back, they’d have gotten the sharp end of my tongue too.  Mummy said she’d read me some stories in a bit and usually when she says that, she doesn’t come back and pretends she can’t hear me shouting for her but this time she did come back.  I made her read me two books and sing several songs.  She can’t sing for toffee but she tries, bless her. 

 I’m sleeping now (yes, I am typing this in my sleep) and dreaming about cars and flamingos.  Also, I have a blue bottom.  Is that normal?  The monkey in my book has one and so do I.